Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
thank god
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”