When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Me My dog
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*