Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”