Best mom ever 馃槀
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
They say white people don鈥檛 have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there鈥檚 no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
love it when they get my name right
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I鈥檓 much older now though
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
after i eat lunch there鈥檚 a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[dinner at my parents鈥橾
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they鈥檙e not your parents weirdo
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you鈥檝e ever watched to get it.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.