I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
You Might Also Like
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.