Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
if my sleeping schedule was a person
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.