Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.