My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*ernest hemingway voice*
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?