“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Is this the real life?
Is this just
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.