[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?