Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, but it was never about money

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

“What?”
– Jude

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?