ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus