the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.