my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Hot Hot Hot
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”