Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16