pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.