Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.