cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You Might Also Like
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
i can’t wait that long
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors