[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
the council will decide your fate
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.