Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
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In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
And bowling should be called pinball
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A French press is when you hug naked
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.