When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”