Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.