Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts