He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
You Might Also Like
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Tastes like chicken.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
this has to be peak English
I have a type: disappointing
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend