Are these grass-fed oranges?
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.