Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.