Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
You Might Also Like
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.