If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Just had my nails done!
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin