Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I’m sorry…what?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers