Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
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Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.