I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
*mops up wine with cat*
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.