Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Poetry is my passion