Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose