I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it