If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”