The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
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This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Basketball
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller