I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
💻🤡
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.