I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.