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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
*puts cutlery down*
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die