Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Wait a second…
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.