why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
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Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
i think both sides are to blame here
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.