If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..