I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now