[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
These aliens are taking forever.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
50 shades of grey = my Liver
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
LOL!
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?