We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.