Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!