<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Don’t forget to tip your server
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?