Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
You Might Also Like
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”