The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Are these grass-fed oranges?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!