Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
adam and eve had first world problems